The condoms I have in my cupboard have expired. This the truth of my vagina and it’s tales. Reporting back – with absolutely 0 news other than please throw away those crusty old condoms.

I am not phased, I am considering joining a nunnery at this rate. Got to love a spring clean and finding random items / pieces that remind us about our life stories and how we got to where we are. My expired condoms are just another reminder of how I got to this story. Anyway.

After the Saturday spring clean, I figured I needed some random items and took myself off to the shops. Oh god life can be so dull when you’re adulting. Need shampoo, conditioner, do I really need these razors? Can my leg hairs be left for an extra few months?

Decisions, decisions.

I always pass that condom and lubricant isle.

Imagine my life was so thrilling that I utilized anyone of these things? Oh the THRILLS. Can you believe that you can actually buy flavoured lube? I mean, you guys are clearly a lot more thrilling than me. Good on you. But is it hygenic, I am wondering. I have a weird thing about fruit flavoured things that contain nothing about actual real fruit. Strawberry lube? Please guys, its like #fakenews but #fakefruit. The smell, I can’t cope. I would rather be single and sexless thanks.

Walking away from the nauseating idea of flavoured lube… Oh! What’s that I see? A red/pinky coloured box of ‘fetherlite’ (yea fether, not ‘feather’) condoms. From Durex. I do know this much that Durex is expensive. So three Durex condoms for £0.99. I will buy them even though my only love affair that goes on in my life is between me and my pizza on a Friday night. I well and truly make love to that ham and marscapone pizza from Sainos. But, anyway, I will purchase these condoms because I am an optimist.

I might meet a Prince at the airport tomorrow. “I am even going to put make up on for that flight” I think to myself. It is EASY JET so maybe a fake Prince but I might take that at this point.

I step forward toward the condom shelf, hands shaking. I am full of hopes and dreams as I stretch right up and get my little porky fingers on the Featherlite box – oh so pretty and not scary looking.  I can do this. You know like in the ‘Secret’ it’s all about ‘imagine the things you want’ and blabla. See, I am making active open decisions here, sending the universe a message and all that.

As I am repeating my ‘you are what you want’ mantra’s – me and my pudgy fingers got over excited and to my absolute horror all 50 million condom boxes come crashing down. On my head, on the floor. Oh what a surprise! Everything comes crashing down. Just like my love life. No, it’s just some condoms, relax, it doesn’t mean anything negative, Chill out. I am trying BUT in reality…

OH GOD CONDOMS everywhere and the kinds that the more experienced peeps love – the ribbed ones, dotted ones, weird flavoured ones, everywhere. DOMES ALL OVER. I REPEAT – DOMES EVERYWHERE.

My face is pulsating (see what words I used there) with embarrassment. I have 10 other packets with me from the Sainos, everything is falling out as I hurriedly trying to sort this mess out.  I am quickly trying to pick up the condoms. Now the bananas have fallen out of my grocery bag. Why is this happening? WHY LAWD WHY! Condoms and bananas. Are we back at sex ed classes?! Can I just keep it together for a moment? SOS! Jesus get on your sandals and come down here. Actually don’t because I am supposed to be Catholic so better stay up there my man and put on a blind fold. But not in a weird BDSM way please.

I hear some kind of clicking and a shadow loom over me as a woman who must have been at least 150 years old comes forward with her ZIMMERFRAME. Can we just get this bit… A ZIMMERFRAME.

She starts helping me pick up all the condoms and restack them. Each and every last box. It took some team work, but we got there in the end.

There we are, myself and Mildred (I will call her this) stacking up those shelves. I passed one box to her, she placed it back on the shelf.  She seemed quite pleased to have an activity.  We finish our team work event, hurriedly, I say, thank you so much and try and dash off. She says, “you forgot your condoms love” . Oh I did indeed, thank you Mildred, as she passes me a box of 99 p Featherlites.

Cheers.